The fall.

How do you tell if your life is on the right track? If the decisions you have made and/or are making are the right ones? Without getting to the end and having your life shatter, bc it turns out you set yourself up for failure with the decisions you have made.  How do you figure it out before its too late? Before you're into deep?  Every decision we make is our own. If you are independent and have a mind of your own, in the end you only have yourself to blame for your decisions and choices.  Especially when they blow up in your face, and everything comes crashing down around you.  This is what I'm afraid of.  I'm not a pessimist, I am a realist.  And life has taught me ONE thing.  Real life NEVER works out as it does in Lifetime movies.  There are no "happily ever after" endings, there are just endings.  Endings that you either get back up from, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Or the ones that knock you off your feet, destroy not only your life, but the very foundation you built it on.  One of the situations you can prepare for whereas the other takes you completely by surprise.  How do you survive something you cant prepare for?  How do you survive when you don't have time to recover before the next knockout swing comes your way?  You CANT. So here I sit, knowing Ive allowed myself to get in too deep.  Even with the moat with larger then life man eating sharks, 20 ft cement walls with high voltage wires. Even with the constant reminders to myself to NOT let it happen.  I watched for every sign, I kept on guard.  Problem is, you cant prepare for something you don't see coming.  Now as I find myself falling deeper and deeper, all I want to do is RUN.  As fast and as far as i can possibly go.  Ive recovered before, but it never happened this hard, this fast, this unexpected.  Falling, that's what I'm doing.  I want it to stop, but the more I fight it, the deeper I get.  Each smile knocks the wind out of me.  Every laugh, every moment is a direct shot aimed at my heart.  Through all the barriers, the walls, the fences, the force fields, the shots still hit the target.  This isn't what it was supposed to be.  This isn't how it was supposed to happen.  I had a plan... nicely laid out.  Now I cant even remember the plan.  I like to be in control, I'm no longer in control.  Somewhere along the way I lost the reigns.  Does he even know how much control he has over me?  I doubt it.  How is it I went and started falling for the ONE man that I probably can never truly have.  I was attracted to him for so many reasons, but the main one was he has the SAME outlook on love as me... It sucks.  It wasn't something either of us wanted.  The arrangement was set.  The rules laid out....Kinda.  He broke the rules, and now Ive gone and fallen for him.  I broke my own rule.  I'm falling in love.  The one thing in the world that scares the shit out of me.  I don't have good luck with love.  And I'm falling in love with a man, who is probably just as fucked up by love as I am.  And I expect this to work out in my favor? No I truly don't.  That's the problem.  I know its too late for me to get out without getting hurt in some way.  The question is do I get out now and hurt a little?  Or do I risk it all and see where it goes?  Knowing without a doubt that if it doesn't work, it will destroy me.  All the hard work, and determination to build myself into the person I am now.  And with this heartbreak I will be at step one again.  It reminds me of Texas hold'em poker.  I have my cards in hand and its not looking good, but theres still the "river" card, the make it or break it.  If I get the right card  could win it all. So do I go all in? Do i risk everything on one card? Or do I fold and say, well its been fun but just not worth it? Ive always considered myself a risk taker. But for the first time, ever, I am cautiously planning my next step.  I'm looking before I leap.  Testing the water before I dive into the deep end.  And yet, I still don't know what to do.

And let the story begin..

Heres a little glimpse into my sometimes crazy beautiful self.  Im at this point in time 24 yrs old.  I have three children, 2 girls and a boy.  Ive been married, and am now divorced. To make a long story short, I came from an abusive marriage and one day decided I had enough. I packed my bags, took my kids and flew 2500 miles away from the life I had known.  From that day to this one, I have worked to become the single independent woman I am today.  My life has been full of many trials and tribulations.  But one thing has always remained true.  I find a way to conquer all.  I will always find a way. And whenever i feel lost, I have my kids, my family and my wonderful friends to get me back on path.  There are many things that make me who I am.  And to write those all down, all my quirks, strange habits ect, it would take months, years, possibly a decade.  So, eventually, I hope, my blogs will give you a small, microscopic glimpse into what makes me tick.