-_-

I have not had much to say lately.  Or maybe I have but I just have not known how to say it.  I think my first therapy appointment did more harm than good.  I find myself sleeping less, stressing more, and not handling situations in a calm demeanor.  I am a whole lot more snappy and I feel like I am falling apart at the seams.  I kept everything to myself for so long and now that I opened that black hole, it seems like everything else has starting spiraling out of control.  My whole entire life is in a complete upheavel.  And I am losing a grasp on everything that has taken me so long to get a hold of.  -_-  I definitely do not like feeling like I am not in control of things. 

I dont want to lose who I am.  I have worked so hard to become the person I am, and let me tell you it was a uphill battle.  The person I was 4 years ago, 10 years ago, is not even a miniscule glimpse of the person I have become.  And I am proud of who I have become. But the last few weeks I feel like I am losing it all.  Maybe I am losing my mind, maybe the stress of everyday life has gotten to me.  How do you tell the difference? 

Ugh even right now I am having a hard time trying to just get my thoughts in order.  I feel like I have so much that I need to get off my chest but I just cant put my thumb on it.  Just trying to figure everything out is making my anxiety go haywire and my chest feel like it weighs a 100 pounds. 

Normally when I am done writing I feel a little better, unfortunately tonight it has done nothing but frustrate me.  Oh well tomorrow is a new day.

Life as I know it.

I had my first therapy appointment today.  Yes, I am in therapy.  Yes I put myself there.  I decided there was a lot of things in my life that I had not dealt with.  Things that I tried so very hard to put in this nice little box and tuck away, and as the years went by I shoved more stuff inside that box.  Before I knew it the box was over flowing, it was packed to the brim. And a couple weeks ago it just exploded.  Everything that I have tried so hard to put away or set on the back burner just came to the forefront.  So at the end of my therapy session my therapist told me to write.  Write my feelings.  She asked me to write in the mornings, but as a single mother who has three children to get ready for the school, and a morning hater as well I decided I would be better writing at night.  And I figured might as well share my writings, if someone reads it, cool.
 
I have had anxiety issues for years.  In fact I have been dealing with it for so long that it has just become part of who I am. Unfortunately my anxiety has became a problem.  It has started paralyzing me.  Don't understand?  You will soon.  When my brother and his wife died in a fire I developed this paranoia about death.  About myself dying, about my friends dying, about my loved ones dying.  We are talking to a degree that there is nothing I can do without thinking about it.  For instance when I go to bed at night I think about if my house were to catch on fire, how would I make sure that I got my kids to safety.  Vowing in the dark of night that I (like any loving parent) would sacrifice myself in order for them to be okay.  But it does not stop there, I think of these things in everything I do.  I worry, more than is probably normal or necessary.  But no matter what I do I cannot stop.  Unfortunately my brother's death has mind fucked me.  And a couple weeks ago while I was on my romantic vacation with my boyfriend I made a definite decision that I needed help.  As I was riding a horse thinking about how my kids would be lost if I got bucked off and broke my neck.  Sick right?  Yea it is, imagine having the thoughts and not just reading someone write about it.
 
Now don't get me wrong, I do not by any means want to die.  Or do I even have thoughts of hurting myself.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  I am overly afraid that something is going to happen to me, out of my control.  Or something is going to happen to a loved one, again out of my control.  I mean it has happened so many times before.  With my grandma, grandpa, uncle, brother, and sister. 
 
I do not know why I haven't dealt with my brother's death.  I mean on June 13th of this year it will have been 10 years.  That is a long fuckin time to carry grief around.  But it was just one of those things I just shoved into a box.  I didn't have time to grieve.  I had a family to worry about, and then I had a life to rebuild, and then I was a single mom, and add all those little things like school work ect, I just did not have time.  I had to worry about everything else.  Don't get me wrong, I cried, hell have I cried.  In the dark of night, when I am alone.  But I try my best to keep it to myself.  I don't talk about my brother often.  Because I get one of two reactions.  I get the look my mother gives me, which is heartbreak, and no one wants to put that look on their mother's face.  Or I get the look from my friends, pity.  Which is another thing I don't want.  I do NOT want pity.  I don't blame my friends, I cant say I wouldn't give them that same look if they were in my shoes.  Nor can I say I would even mean to give it. How can you be a real friend without feeling pity or having empathy for someone. Truth is you cant.  
 
Another reason I don't like talking about it is because the people I surround myself with now were not lucky enough to know my brother.  And there is only so much you can say.  They will never truly understand because they never met him.  They never saw the affect he had on people.  How he could change someone's life in one sitting.
 
I realized I am MAD, mad at the world, mad at my brother, mad at so many people, and situations. As I ripped the scab off the emotional wound I have tried to heal for the past 10 years.  I am so mad at my brother.  He promised me he would always be here and he lied.  He is not here anymore.  He left me.  He was supposed to be my best friend, forever, my protector, forever, my hero, forever.  And instead he is not here, and I am lost, oh so fuckin lost. Falling apart at the seams.
 
I just want to feel whole again, normal, not so damn empty.  I want to be able to enjoy life without waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Without expecting something horrible to happen.  My problem is that in the past when I would sit back and think, okay crisis is over life is normal again-and  I would start to just enjoy life- BAM something life altering would happen to me again.  And it has never been good life altering BAMs. It has always been life altering, heart shattering, mental breakdown, emotional turmoil BAMs.  And now I cant enjoy life.  I am just waiting for the next BAM.  I am missing out on so much while I worry.  I KNOW this and I still can't stop.  I wish I could. 
 

The fall.

How do you tell if your life is on the right track? If the decisions you have made and/or are making are the right ones? Without getting to the end and having your life shatter, bc it turns out you set yourself up for failure with the decisions you have made.  How do you figure it out before its too late? Before you're into deep?  Every decision we make is our own. If you are independent and have a mind of your own, in the end you only have yourself to blame for your decisions and choices.  Especially when they blow up in your face, and everything comes crashing down around you.  This is what I'm afraid of.  I'm not a pessimist, I am a realist.  And life has taught me ONE thing.  Real life NEVER works out as it does in Lifetime movies.  There are no "happily ever after" endings, there are just endings.  Endings that you either get back up from, dust yourself off, learn from your mistakes, and move on. Or the ones that knock you off your feet, destroy not only your life, but the very foundation you built it on.  One of the situations you can prepare for whereas the other takes you completely by surprise.  How do you survive something you cant prepare for?  How do you survive when you don't have time to recover before the next knockout swing comes your way?  You CANT. So here I sit, knowing Ive allowed myself to get in too deep.  Even with the moat with larger then life man eating sharks, 20 ft cement walls with high voltage wires. Even with the constant reminders to myself to NOT let it happen.  I watched for every sign, I kept on guard.  Problem is, you cant prepare for something you don't see coming.  Now as I find myself falling deeper and deeper, all I want to do is RUN.  As fast and as far as i can possibly go.  Ive recovered before, but it never happened this hard, this fast, this unexpected.  Falling, that's what I'm doing.  I want it to stop, but the more I fight it, the deeper I get.  Each smile knocks the wind out of me.  Every laugh, every moment is a direct shot aimed at my heart.  Through all the barriers, the walls, the fences, the force fields, the shots still hit the target.  This isn't what it was supposed to be.  This isn't how it was supposed to happen.  I had a plan... nicely laid out.  Now I cant even remember the plan.  I like to be in control, I'm no longer in control.  Somewhere along the way I lost the reigns.  Does he even know how much control he has over me?  I doubt it.  How is it I went and started falling for the ONE man that I probably can never truly have.  I was attracted to him for so many reasons, but the main one was he has the SAME outlook on love as me... It sucks.  It wasn't something either of us wanted.  The arrangement was set.  The rules laid out....Kinda.  He broke the rules, and now Ive gone and fallen for him.  I broke my own rule.  I'm falling in love.  The one thing in the world that scares the shit out of me.  I don't have good luck with love.  And I'm falling in love with a man, who is probably just as fucked up by love as I am.  And I expect this to work out in my favor? No I truly don't.  That's the problem.  I know its too late for me to get out without getting hurt in some way.  The question is do I get out now and hurt a little?  Or do I risk it all and see where it goes?  Knowing without a doubt that if it doesn't work, it will destroy me.  All the hard work, and determination to build myself into the person I am now.  And with this heartbreak I will be at step one again.  It reminds me of Texas hold'em poker.  I have my cards in hand and its not looking good, but theres still the "river" card, the make it or break it.  If I get the right card  could win it all. So do I go all in? Do i risk everything on one card? Or do I fold and say, well its been fun but just not worth it? Ive always considered myself a risk taker. But for the first time, ever, I am cautiously planning my next step.  I'm looking before I leap.  Testing the water before I dive into the deep end.  And yet, I still don't know what to do.

And let the story begin..

Heres a little glimpse into my sometimes crazy beautiful self.  Im at this point in time 24 yrs old.  I have three children, 2 girls and a boy.  Ive been married, and am now divorced. To make a long story short, I came from an abusive marriage and one day decided I had enough. I packed my bags, took my kids and flew 2500 miles away from the life I had known.  From that day to this one, I have worked to become the single independent woman I am today.  My life has been full of many trials and tribulations.  But one thing has always remained true.  I find a way to conquer all.  I will always find a way. And whenever i feel lost, I have my kids, my family and my wonderful friends to get me back on path.  There are many things that make me who I am.  And to write those all down, all my quirks, strange habits ect, it would take months, years, possibly a decade.  So, eventually, I hope, my blogs will give you a small, microscopic glimpse into what makes me tick.